Blarg!

Things I need:
* To get more sleep.
* To get to sleep earlier.
* To be able to wake up promptly with my alarm.
* To not heed my cats' mewling "we're SO lost and NO ONE cares enough to come find us!" cries at 2 a.m.

Drawing class begins

So, I'm taking a drawing class at RCC with Susan and Jeff.
I feel like a dork, and not just because I'm going to have to be showing up, like, 40 minutes after class has already started.
Our first in-class assignment was to draw an abstract (a picture out of focus and upside down), then draw the same picture in focus and right-side up.
To put it kindly, they look about like my work did the last time I took a drawing class -- in seventh grade.
It's just embarrassing. I can take a picture, I can write, I can sew, but danged if drawing isn't just one of the most difficult things ever.
The whole showing up late thing adds to my drama. The class overlaps with work and I can see their point: Leaving early would be a huge distraction. So I asked the teacher if I could just show up late, and he was game, to a point. He warned me I'd be missing a huge part of class -- the public humiliation portion (no, really, the evaluation period) at the start of class. But as long as I'm there every day and don't be all distracting when I come in, he'll agree to let me take the class.
It's pretty intimidating. Some of these people, based on the initial works, should NOT be in a beginning drawing class.
I'd rather be surrounded by people who've just graduated from fingerpainting than people whose first-day, 10-minute drawings could fetch real cash money.
(Funny haha P.S. At first I typed "monet" -- I'm such a dork!)

Too funny NOT to share

NBC and its sister studio have struck a deal to make both Spanish- and English-language versions of a controversial Colombian telenovela whose title translates to "Without Breasts There Is No Paradise."

Haircat

I gave Watson a haircut last night.

He grooms himself - I mean, we SEE him grooming himself - but the hair on his chest was matted, like under his chin, on his chest, where he can't really get to it anymore, and his lower back was just sort of greasy.

I know cats have natural oils and all that, but this was just this side of getting stuff stuck in it ...

He purred the whole time, then got twitchy.

So I put down treat food and they both ignored it. Blarg. When it's too hot for cats to enjoy treats, that's too blarging hot.

And then when I had this pile of extra kitty fur, he started sniffing it.

I could only imagine the philsophical Sartre battle waging in his feline brain: "I'm over there, but I'm here. That smells and looks like me, but I am over here. She's taking from me and adding to that. I've achieved enlightenment: I AM in two places at once."

Britney's mom is just making it worse

Lynne Spears says her daughter Britney, whose public meltdown included
shearing off her own locks, is "just figuring things out."

"It's sad that the whole world had to watch her make mistakes that all of us have made at one time or another," Spears is quoted as telling Us Weekly magazine in its latest issue.

Yeah, 'cause I remember the last time I shaved my head, talked about how my second baby was an accident, went to rehab and married a man whose baby mama was pregnant with their second kid.

So obvious, my need for anti-anxiety meds

Called Target pharmacy after realizing I'd been off meds for A WEEK AND A HALF and STILL NO ONE HAD CALLED ME.

Pharm girl: "Well, it's here and filled."

Me: "WHY DID NO ONE CALL ME TO LET ME KNOW MY ANTI-ANXIETY MEDS WERE IN?!"

Pharm girl: "Well, we usually only do that for prescriptions that are renewed monthly."

Me: "So, no one thought it was necessary to call me - even though they said they would - about my ANTI-ANXIETY medication, even when there had been all this trouble, and even though it's ANTI-ANXIETY medication? So, if I hadn't called today, I would never know that my ANTI-ANXIETY medication was in? Can you tell why I need ANTI-ANXIETY medication?!"

Pharm girl: "Uh ... OK, so I'm going to put a note in here that says, call you any time there's any medication in for you."

Me: "Thank you for understanding. I wouldn't be so upset if it weren't about a pill that helps me keep my brain straight."

Pharm girl: "Yes. I understand."

Greetings!

Happy Wednesday!!!
Otherwise known as Happy Only-Two-More-Days-Until-Friday Day.

Which isn't as good as Happy Only-Two-More-Days-Until-Payday.


But will do in a pinch.

Who's laughing now, smarty?

OK, so there's this new over-the-counter weight loss aid coming out in June. It's the first FDA-approved OTC weight loss drug.
1) It works by taking fat you eat and wrapping it up so your body can't digest it. Then it sends it on the flume ride that is your bowels. If you eat a lot of fat, you may have gas accompanied by oil emissions like an old Dodge. You may have oily BMs. And you may lose control over when and where you BM. These are being called treatment effects.
2) These "treatment effects" come into play ESPECIALLY if you don't curb your fat intake. You can CONTROL the effects by limiting your fat intake.
3) If you continue to eat lots of fat, you will have embarrassing emissions and crap a lot.

My take: Best practical joke ever.

I'll probably try it, 'cause God knows, I don't crap enough.

One of the things on their site says you can use the"treatment effects" to judge if you're eating too much fat.
So, let me get this right: Pooping in my pants is my punishment for bad food choices?

Does that seem like a fair tradeoff?

Clothes note

Note to self: No more corduroy until I lose at least 3 inches of thigh fat.
Depending on how fast I walk, I either sound like I'm the backscratch beat for a remix, or a slowly undoing zipper.

Big Hair

I love big hair, and I can't deny, you other sisters can't deny.
When a chick walks in with an itty-bitty face and some mall bangs in her eyes, you get jealous, 'cause she's gettin' all the fellas.

Deep in her pockets, you're staring, a 'fro pick peeking out.

Takes lot' o' hairspray and hands of mousse,

A weave standing tall to produce

Bad clothes for kids

Most disturbing thing ever: In a video I edited, 7- or 8-year-old girl wearing a t-shirt: "No Angel"

Sure, it was just a T-shirt and not a hoochie shirt, but who the hell designs a little girl shirt that says "NO ANGEL"??

It's like designing a onesie that says "slut"

Options when you're bored

Wanna hacky sack in the picnic area?
All we're missing are hackysacks and a picnic area!
Wanna gossip in our emergency evacuation roll call area?
Wanna fake a fire drill?

We can call each other, then yelp, "OHMIGOD!", then run to stairs with serious looks on our faces. Yell "SAVE YOURSELVES THE END IS NIGH!" Then run down the stairs.

My definition of Fark

Looking at Fark is like peeling back Jeff's scalp and seeing the hamster running on the wheel.

Emoticon of a fart

Fart blossom ==3
Fart being released 3==
Fart blossom from the bum 3 ==3
Wet one 3 ==*

Today's Show at JitB Theater

Today's Show at JitB Theater: The Manic Display of Over-Reactive Youth

(clears throat)

"What motherfucker called the motherfucking cops on me?! I'ma gon' bust all the way into someone's brain! Motherfuckers don' know who they messin' with! Motherfuckers calling motherfucking cops! (punches trash can, comes back to table) Motherfuckers! ARGH! (takes trash to trash can, throws it all, including tray, away) MOTHERFUCKERS!!! (kicks trash can and hits it again before punching his way outside, still holding drink cup, then stops in middle of drive-thru lane) ARGH!! What'chu doing?! (runs to sidewalk along 14th at such high speed I'm thinking he's going to go straight into traffic) ARGH!!! I SEE YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

Patrons look at each other: WTF?

fini

Just called DH to wake him up for his evening shift

DH: Where are you?
Me: I'm at work.
DH: What time is it?
Me: 5:06.
DH: a.m. or p.m.?

BYOB as well

Where: On the acre grounds of Chuck Flanagan's home, 38766 Brookside Ave., Cherry Valley. Bring your own food, chairs and blankets.

This is from an event in a weekly magazine.
I wonder if this guy even knows he's hosting something.

What: Celebrate the coming summer movie season with a film festival
Where: So-and-so's apartment.
Bring your own food, chairs, DVDs and a friend who can pick a lock.

Random

A guy wearing a dirty black wifebeater and ill-advised facial hair just biked through our parking lot while smoking a cigarette.

????

The cafe at our office runs its menu online.
There's some coding error or font error or something that's tacking "?" on the ends of menu items: "Luncheon Entree?" "Roast Chicken?"
If you're not sure if it's lunch or the entree, I'm fine with that. But if you're confused about if it's chicken or not, I'm scared.

OMG cords

My corduroy pants make scary Whish-Whish-Whish noises.
Like, more than ever before.
I try to walk faster to lessen the time it's making the noise, but then it's higher-pitched.
So I try walking with my legs farther apart, looking like a baby with a load.