Snowboarding hell

I have friends who've enjoyed snowboarding, so I decided to try it.
In doing so, I discovered I'M TERRIBLE AT IT!
Because I wouldn't know if I liked it or not, I decided not to invest in anything more than gloves, so I went up in jeans and flannel. I figured it had been good enough for winters in the Midwest, it must be OK for snowboarding in Southern California.
So, I get up to the resort and rent the board and boots and all and head up to the lessons area.
The instructor couldn't have been nicer, but his niceness was no cushion for my bootie.
I couldn't even make it down the babiest bunny slope without falling every 5 feet or so.
Encouraged by the instructor's enthusiasm, I make it to the ski lift, where he waits for me so we can get to the upper hill, strap both feet on to the board and commit more acts of torture on ourselves.
We get on the lift and he spends the 3 and a half minutes giving me a pep talk, saying that he likes the fact that every time I fall, I get back up. And that he won't give up if I don't give up. Very, very encouraging.
We get to the top and I strap in. And every other person in the class just starts going down the hill. And I'm still shimmying my way to the top of the run.
But the story is no different than the bunny slope story: Every five feet, I lose my balance, plop down and slide about five more feet.
Only now, because my jeans are wet, they are leaving big denim blue streaks every time I fall.
So I get about 25 feet down the hill, look up and there are blue streaks about every 5 feet.
And I'm getting cold from falling on my butt and my knees are hurting from falling. But every time I fall, I have to roll over on to my knees because it's easier for me to get up that way.
About two-thirds of the way down the hill, though, I try to get up and instead fall backward and hit my frickin' head.
So I lie there for a minute contemplating how nice the sky looks, so clear and blue.
From downhill, I hear the instructor yell, "Are you OK?" followed by the crunching sound of him running up the icy hill.
"Oh, yeah," I say. "I'm just not used to hitting my head."
OK, he says. So he decides that we'll go down tandem, or something like that. He'll guide me and I'll power. But, he says, I have to pay attention and do exactly what he says. And he won't give up if I don't give up.
So he helps me up. And then he gets up.
And says, "OK, move that way," and points to the right.
And I start scootching.
And fall again.
And hit my head again.
That's about the point at which I give up.
I mean, considering the fact that I'm not, umm, coordinated or, umm, physically fit, snowboarding is apparently not my thing.
Plus my brain's pretty much what I have going for me. It's one of the body parts I have the most fun with.
I can't risk smearing it all over ice!